I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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