Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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