Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
