I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
