Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
