take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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