Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
