i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
