My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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