I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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