After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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