Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
God I need to hump something, right now.
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