the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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