i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
