Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
