I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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