Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
