you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
