He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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