The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
