How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
