dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
