I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
