I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
