he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
