i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
