Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
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I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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