Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
