Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
