Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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