I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
