I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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