idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
