mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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