WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I deserve this hangover.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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