Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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