Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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