margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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