Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
