I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
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There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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