YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
