does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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