At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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