He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
