ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
