i need an iv and a liver transplant
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
