I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
