theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize