possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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