Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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