I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
